Friday, August 19, 2011


Rowing is great. But what do I do when I get home from practice and it feels like I've been up for forever but really the day is just starting? Today I got home at 9 after a breakfast date with another rower and I didn't know what to do, so I facebooked and now I'm here. It's 10:13. What should I do today? Here is the day, stretched out before me, an interminable road until C gets home at 6. I already drank coffee. Now what? I seem to ask myself that a lot. I'm always looking for the next thing. It was nice when I didn't have to look and everything in my life was planned-- meetings, classes, practice, study, go here, every day was planned from 8am to 10pm. I can't get used to my new reality. I don't have enough energy right now to spontaneously create activities for myself, but I can't relax enough for that to be okay. I feel uncertain about what to do-- I like it better when there's the one thing that is clear must happen now because it has to get done and there's no other time to do it. That way it doesn't feel like I am creating my life. I usually like the feeling that I am in control, but somehow it feels like too much responsibility. Strange. Free time stops being valuable when you have an unlimited amount.

On the Water
1. Spandex
2. Red Crocs for wearing on the dock
3. Blisters, lots of them
4. Bottle of New Skin for blisters that I dropped in the parking lot. Of course, I drop the only thing made of glass. End of that particular jar.
5. Drive downtown in the dark-- all the lights flash yellow.
6. Park without difficulty and the 2 hr. limit doesn't start until 8am!
7. Warm up jacket from Mandy
8. Four oars
9. View of capital building and other downtown buildings
10. Sunrise on water
11. Little green bugs stuck to the girl's shirt in front of me
12. Rowers' heavy breathing
13. Pain-- in hand, back, legs, toes, shoulder, all muscles
14. Coxswain only calls power tens
15. Need to work on handle heights
16. Backsplash
17. Hate everything, can't go on, crave death. Finish, somehow.
18. Can't lift legs.
19. Rejoice.

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