Laundry day. Our sheets keep collecting blue fuzz-- it's the combination of our new towels plus either a too high or a too low thread count.
The teaching certificate program I was going to do didn't fill, so now it's not happening, which was surprisingly a relief to me. Now I can get a real job without worrying about class times conflicting or having to observe at a school during the day.
I set out for Panera this morning armed with that discovery and ready to get myself a job, but no one answered their phones and the lunch crowd was too loud and really I was too late to spend time working at Panera because the lunch rush is way too distracting. It's better to get there at 8.
The result: a rather grumpy afternoon spent reading Jacob Have I Loved in my underwear while washing sheets and lights. Food seems boring. I did call all the places I applied, poking around, asking questions. Why don't you want me? That's the real question.
The program not filling is an answer, for which I am supremely grateful. Whenever I talked about the program to other people, I never sounded like I was sure that I was going to do it, and I guess I really wasn't sure about it. I never treated it like something that was really going to happen at the end of August. I told everyone during my last semester of college that I was going to take a year off and I didn't want to go back to school right away. Little did I know how hard it would be for me to take a year off. What did I picture myself doing? Sitting around happily crocheting scarves and painting and cooking and reading and "being a good wife." I should have known I would be bored out of my mind. All of us do-ers who can't sit still-- time off is like a slow death. Reading all day isn't good enough. It's not a justifiable use of time. I can't bring myself to apply to Starbucks or Bed Bath and Beyond because I think about speaking Spanish with eight year olds and playing and doing craft projects and everything I want to be doing that doesn't involve stocking blenders or blending frappucinos.
I'm not in a bleak situation. It just feels that way. Somehow all the hope of the morning got squashed even though nothing has changed and options are still wide open and there are still jobs to be had in this booming city and writing projects for me to do and friends coming over tonight for pizza. Sometimes being melancholy just sucks. Emotions suck. Boredom sucks. Not being Jeff Smith or someone who can just walk outside and create their own destiny with only raw charm and initiative sucks, too.
One thing I did learn yesterday that I desperately needed to hear was about reliance. At our church small group, the pastor told a story about our reliance on God. If God is a pillar, are we clinging to him with our whole bodies wrapped around the pillar, or are we standing off to the side with our fingers barely touching it. I am being brought to a place where there's nothing to do except cling to the pillar. Even if I had enough charm or initiative, I wouldn't be worthy of relying on myself. I am not a safe bet for myself because I do not have the power to weave things together. I need that pillar to show me the way. That is the lesson in the midst of whatever this season is.