Thursday, May 26, 2011

Midnight Musings

Inspired by my lovely friend, Kelly, I now turn to my own blog to express who knows what tonight. It's nearly midnight, and I am getting married in 10 days. This number keeps getting smaller and I keep having very little to say about that except, "I can't believe it!" Today was the first day my strength rallied after about five days of sickness and boy did it feel good to get out of the house. Accomplishing things makes me happy, and there is so much that needs to be done in the next few days before leaving Memphis. I have made so many lists. Lists of things to buy, pack, stores to go to and what items to purchase there, what items to return there. Take my phone to the Sprint store, buy a journal for a friend, pick up the re-sized wedding band. PACK. Pack everything I own or throw it away or give it to Goodwill. Re-organize all the treasure boxes in the attic and cram more stuff in. Hope my parents don't notice how many boxes are up there... hah. Hope they don't notice I'm not taking my bed with me when I go. Deep lessons elude me and everything feels like a scramble. I talked to my friend who recently got married and she explained that she can't pray anymore because she can't get her mind to shut off. That's how I feel sometimes. The only thoughts I have are the short reminders: mail this check, make the seating chart, pick up the bubbles. All the rich, deep, leisurely thoughts that look like honey from a honeypot being twirled on a spoon slowly-- it's those thoughts I miss. Everything feels like chaos around me. Maybe that's what I had the sick days for. Just to be. It was delicious to spend hours reading Jane Eyre when I should have been, but couldn't have been, packing. I have realized that I don't know what marriage is, but that's alright. I'll know what it is soon. This anxiety that I always experience before anything new need not be a crutch. I felt anxiety before I stepped into my new roles this past year at Wheaton, and all was well. All was exceedingly well-- much better, in fact, than I could have imagined. I need not be afraid of my own anxiety. Hah. I don't want it to rob me of this time. My last days in my own house as me, the unmarried, new college graduate daughter. If only I could get my head around that. I think I will feel more relief after the wedding than I did after graduation. Then, my work is really done. What will I do with all the free time?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Thank You Notes

Writing thank you notes takes time and each card conveys very little true sentiment. It's hard to express deep gratitude in the space of a 3x5 card. It's also hard to express deep gratitude when you have so many cards to write and some of them are to people you don't know/haven't seen in years and don't remember what they look like.

I received a real letter in the mail today, a front and back hand-written letter. Now, that took some real time and initiative. I have not sat down to write someone a letter in a very long time. I haven't sat down to do a lot of things in a long time.

When I think about letters, I think about the new Pride and Prejudice movie where Mr. Darcy sits at the desk writing a letter to his sister Georgiana, or I think about when Lizzy holds the letter from home informing her that Lydia has run away. These letters had such a great substance to them-- a whole sheet of paper, folded over onto itself. They had so many folds and held so much text. How beautiful. They were like pieces of art.

My mother has made so many books and journals whose pages you can get lost in with their colors and folds and intricate designs. I like the idea that I have in part learned from her-- that it isn't the words themselves that are the art, but it is the way that they are conveyed, displayed, presented, and ultimately experienced by the reader. These massive Pride and Prejudice letters probably did not seem that way to their recipients, but if someone sent me a letter like that, I am sure I would find reading it to be a unique experience. I would never throw that letter out like I would throw out a thank you note without thinking.

If I were truly convicted on this point, I would invent some kind of experiential thank you note that no one could throw away. All of our wedding gift givers would have some sort of a remembrance of us as they read the words of thanks. Maybe the mere thanks would seem truer. Then, my mind switches into the cost-effective mode and flips through various methods of achieving such a feat-- an interactive, experiential thank you note-- no, no, this is too much. They would have to be designed, we'd have to get little things printed to stick in them like a little picture of us together and our new address-- it would be a production. Maybe for Christmas, we will send out an interactive card. Maybe after the wedding.

Sending a five dollar Starbucks giftcard in every thank you note definitely wouldn't be cost-effective, but it also wouldn't serve the purpose that I want it to serve-- that being the creation of a tangible keepsake, a remembrance of the one who received the gift. Something that would tickle the person when they opened it. The words were supposed to be the thanks-- that's the point of the note, but now that our culture devalues words so much, we have to think of something else, at least for my generation. Maybe older generations appreciate it as something that is meant to be done, but in five and ten years when all of my friends get married and have babies, I will probably throw out their boring thank you notes, just like people are going to throw mine out, even though it took me an hour to write about ten of them on this boring Monday night.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Here Comes... well, Everything.

What a day. Just said goodbye to my cabinet from this year. We made plans for camping in the fall, about three months from now. I'll be three months graduated and two months married then. Hopefully two months a better cook and I can awe them with my skills.

A robin's perched on the porch. The birds have come out in the masses, finally. One keeps trying to build a nest between the lantern by the front door and the side of the house. We keep knocking it down. Maybe the rest of the tulips will be up in time for the weekend.

I got my cap and gown yesterday, and that was the weirdest moment yet.

My cabinet asked if they could be the godparents for my eventual kids. They want me to have six.

We had a tea party this afternoon with two little girls from the next street down, and everyone brought their American Girl dolls.

I'm not sure what I will do when this is all over. Lord, what will I d0?

I keep remembering details that need to happen and the time keeps rushing by. What goes on a wedding playlist? Have to get something for the bridesmaids.

Jill said it was like a moving sidewalk. We ride with our suitcases, sliding, slipping past so many faces, nodding our heads as we go. We can't get off. Everything is done, there's nothing to say except goodbye, I have loved you.