Thursday, May 26, 2011
Inspired by my lovely friend, Kelly, I now turn to my own blog to express who knows what tonight. It's nearly midnight, and I am getting married in 10 days. This number keeps getting smaller and I keep having very little to say about that except, "I can't believe it!" Today was the first day my strength rallied after about five days of sickness and boy did it feel good to get out of the house. Accomplishing things makes me happy, and there is so much that needs to be done in the next few days before leaving Memphis. I have made so many lists. Lists of things to buy, pack, stores to go to and what items to purchase there, what items to return there. Take my phone to the Sprint store, buy a journal for a friend, pick up the re-sized wedding band. PACK. Pack everything I own or throw it away or give it to Goodwill. Re-organize all the treasure boxes in the attic and cram more stuff in. Hope my parents don't notice how many boxes are up there... hah. Hope they don't notice I'm not taking my bed with me when I go. Deep lessons elude me and everything feels like a scramble. I talked to my friend who recently got married and she explained that she can't pray anymore because she can't get her mind to shut off. That's how I feel sometimes. The only thoughts I have are the short reminders: mail this check, make the seating chart, pick up the bubbles. All the rich, deep, leisurely thoughts that look like honey from a honeypot being twirled on a spoon slowly-- it's those thoughts I miss. Everything feels like chaos around me. Maybe that's what I had the sick days for. Just to be. It was delicious to spend hours reading Jane Eyre when I should have been, but couldn't have been, packing. I have realized that I don't know what marriage is, but that's alright. I'll know what it is soon. This anxiety that I always experience before anything new need not be a crutch. I felt anxiety before I stepped into my new roles this past year at Wheaton, and all was well. All was exceedingly well-- much better, in fact, than I could have imagined. I need not be afraid of my own anxiety. Hah. I don't want it to rob me of this time. My last days in my own house as me, the unmarried, new college graduate daughter. If only I could get my head around that. I think I will feel more relief after the wedding than I did after graduation. Then, my work is really done. What will I do with all the free time?