Saturday, April 21, 2012

Approaching One Year

I still have the dashboard widgets up from graduation and getting married and I'm on day 349 since graduation and day 322 since marriage. We're also approaching the anniversary of moving to Madison. And Caleb's bday and my bday. We always look ahead in the White house- plan trips, write things on the calendar, book flights, etc. But now I am going to do some reflecting, not planning. Reverse the direction that I look. 

It has been a good year. I think when you move to a new place, there's a period of time where you're trying to get your feet on the ground. You think you are fully there, but you aren't. Now I know I am really here in Madison. I saw that coming back from Brazil when I couldn't wait to go to work and see my kids and see our friends from church and other places. We reached out to so many people spontaneously during our first two weeks back because we were just craving some connection and familiarity. Not everything is settled, but we are getting there. We feel like us here, if that makes sense. 

It is kind of weird getting further and further away from college and realizing that I will never be moving in a direction back towards what used to be my life. All of those friendships and people. I had been trying to keep extending it and extending it with phone calls, but now I don't see it the same way. I have been able to (somewhat) grieve and appreciate what I had and recognize that it was a unique and incredibly special time in my life. I have felt the pangs at different moments throughout the past year, and I might keep feeling them later. The friendships will morph as they naturally should to reflect where we all are now, and I don't feel the need to fight to keep them the same as they were. 

And I see that in other areas of my life too, like with church and with my job and with other commitments. I am done fighting and carrying things I don't need to carry. Let God do what he wants and I will accept my part. 

On a totally different note, I love seeing all the pictures of newborn babies on fb. Everyone is having a baby these days. Not me. Don't get your hopes up. Maybe it's the springtime or something, but I have been wanting to get a pet. Usually I hate animals and I think newborns are ugly, but I think my heart is softening up. If we didn't have this apt. where pets are not allowed, I could go for a kitten or something small and cute and soft. 

Caleb is tearing it up at his job, always learning something new and talking about excel macros and things that I have no idea what they are. I am loving my job, too. I love it more and more. I love those kids. I keep learning new things about them, and some of the things I learn are really sad, like things parents or big brothers do or how they got that scratch which I don't believe, but an equal or greater number of things are great. This one kid loves cook books and I like to look at them with him and other kids. We are doing a unit on the DR right now and building a float for the Celebrate Diversity Parade. We had a total blast building it on Friday. We spent about two hours on it because they never have homework on Friday. I like seeing what they are good at. This one kid has huge sports talent. Another one is really good at reading even though he has a rough background that doesn't really lend itself to trips to the library during the summer. This kid in particular has got me thinking a lot of radical thoughts, very radical thoughts, but thoughts that are in line with who I know I am and what God has put in me. They just scare my socks off sometimes when I think about actually doing them, or what it would mean for my "orderly" and seemingly normal life. I am realizing that when you do crazy things, only about 5% of it looks like a movie and the other 95% probably looks like hell that you want to get out of, change takes time and pain can break your heart, and when you think about how long it would take for someone to heal and all the work that would go into it and how much it would cost you. It's not very much like a movie at all, but it's better, if you can make it. If you are called down that road. Oh boy. 

I just started school to be a classroom teacher for 1-8 grade. It's gonna be great. Have only had two classes so far, and they've been good. I'm ready to get into the meat. I have a full-time job for 9-10 weeks of the summer at the school where I work. It should be good, but I still know nothing about what I will actually be doing and I have to help plan it all starting on Monday. PRAY for good communication within our team. 

I can't wait to see my family at Memorial day. All of them. Immediate, YES. Mandy, YES. But also the parts of this side of the family that I have never met! And a cousin I haven't seen since she was 2. I am looking forward to the catching up and for them to meet C. And I can't wait to sit around with my parents in the morning and drink coffee. I can't wait to give all of them the sweet presents I got them in Brazil, especially Jon. He will die laughing. And Mom will die of delight. Cannot wait. 34 days. 

And now C and I are going to get some nachos at Taco Bell because he and I have never ever been on a late night taco bell run together, something characteristic of the good old days of college and living in a dorm. sigh. but also so glad I do not live in a dorm anymore. I love my bed and I can sleep in peace without running footsteps at 3 am. 

End of post. xoxo 

3 comments:

  1. This was great :) love your thoughts.
    My fav:
    I am realizing that when you do crazy things, only about 5% of it looks like a movie and the other 95% probably looks like hell that you want to get out of, change takes time and pain can break your heart, and when you think about how long it would take for someone to heal and all the work that would go into it and how much it would cost you. It's not very much like a movie at all, but it's better, if you can make it. If you are called down that road. Oh boy

    SO GOOD! Thank you for being my friend. Whether you like it or not, I'm not going to be lumped into your "pastime" category!

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  2. Sarah, so good to read where you're at.

    I like how you mentioned the countdowns on your computer, and how they are signs of us moving further away from what we were. I think I can still fool myself into thinking "yeah, and then I'll be back at Wheaton" after this experience is over, or that all of us will somehow meet back up again in the future. But every step takes us further away, not closer together. And yet, the idea of not sharing life with people that felt so terrible a year ago has softened and has been accepted to a degree.

    And letting God carry things. Girl, that's so good. One day at a time. I am learning to do that with different aspects. Each day is lovely if we give our burdens to him, one day at a time.

    love

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