I don't want a lot of influence, just a little. But I want it to count.
I don't want to live in a big city. with traffic. With tall buildings and places to get lost.
I don't care about California and the food carts. I will never know what the "next thing" is.
I like my things to be nice, but I don't want to have that many things.
I don't want to go to school to know God more, that will only make me tired of him.
I don't like twitter or excess autobiographical devices. I want my world to be real with colors and dirt and the pages of books.
I like the old people at book club with their old ways and old brains.
I can resist change.
Maybe I should move to a small town. I like my town. It is just right for me.
I like little routines like rowing, little worlds that no one else knows.
I still have that longing my friends have, but I don't know what it's for.
I want to be the fullness of myself, relaxed, able to receive others, ask how they are and really mean it because I'm not thinking about myself. I want to be full. and free. and new.
I want music to be a more regular part of my life. and worship.
I like my small world. It is hard enough to manage. To me it feels just right.
I will never be a great dresser, but I am great at other things.
I will never be perfect, but neither will anyone else.
I wish them well, I wish myself well.
What are my dreams? Will I reach them? Will they show themselves in time? Will they come upon me unexpectedly while I'm in the middle of living them?
Am I getting left behind? Is it wrong to have no ambition?
I used to be full of ambition, but it was for things that didn't mean anything like getting a Ph.D by a certain age.
I think this season is called "wait and see."
Everyone searches for contentment, but now that I seem vaguely content, I wonder if it is wrong to be so.
"Ambition, which is only a craving for honor and glory when you alone are to be honored before all and you alone are glorious forever" Confessions, Book II Ch 6.