Monday, October 10, 2011

Small Little Just-Right World

I don't want a lot of influence, just a little. But I want it to count.

I don't want to live in a big city. with traffic. With tall buildings and places to get lost.

I don't care about California and the food carts. I will never know what the "next thing" is.

I like my things to be nice, but I don't want to have that many things.

I don't want to go to school to know God more, that will only make me tired of him.

I don't like twitter or excess autobiographical devices. I want my world to be real with colors and dirt and the pages of books.

I like the old people at book club with their old ways and old brains.

I can resist change.

Maybe I should move to a small town. I like my town. It is just right for me.

I like little routines like rowing, little worlds that no one else knows.

I still have that longing my friends have, but I don't know what it's for.

I want to be the fullness of myself, relaxed, able to receive others, ask how they are and really mean it because I'm not thinking about myself. I want to be full. and free. and new.

I want music to be a more regular part of my life. and worship.

I like my small world. It is hard enough to manage. To me it feels just right.

I will never be a great dresser, but I am great at other things.

I will never be perfect, but neither will anyone else.

I wish them well, I wish myself well.

What are my dreams? Will I reach them? Will they show themselves in time? Will they come upon me unexpectedly while I'm in the middle of living them?

Am I getting left behind? Is it wrong to have no ambition?

I used to be full of ambition, but it was for things that didn't mean anything like getting a Ph.D by a certain age.

I think this season is called "wait and see."

Everyone searches for contentment, but now that I seem vaguely content, I wonder if it is wrong to be so.

"Ambition, which is only a craving for honor and glory when you alone are to be honored before all and you alone are glorious forever" Confessions, Book II Ch 6. 


  1. Now I'm singing the "Climb Every Mountain" song from the Sound of Music and telling myself "you have to look for your life" "search high and low..." etc.

  2. I love this.

    I'm going to do something similar and report, giving credit to you. It's so freeing when you can realize what you're not, and own that too.

    Love and am so proud of the woman you are. You're excellent, sa-rah!!

  3. You are wonderful just the way you are!!!
    I love that phrase, "I will never be perfect, but neither will anyone else." I am going to post it somewhere.

    Had a great time with you this weekend, and I LOVE Madison.
    Love, Mom