Monday, December 22, 2008

Old Confessions

I was looking for a friend's address in my Facebook inbox and ran across this message. I wrote it one night almost two years ago now. I read it tonight expecting to criticize some of the word choices and logic or structure after a year and a half at Wheaton, but instead was surprised at its rightness. Not only that, but it is something for me to recover. This is an Ebenezer for me as I look back over my faith. And this is how I want to live everyday-- with this mindset, a profound sense of gratitude for my salvation. I don't want to get wrapped up in myself and "my own" things. I wish that I could make my conversations this simple with people who don't know, because this is what the gospel is. 

my confession: i believe in the living God.

tonight i went to an on-campus ministry called crosspoint. when i came back, i was so excited about being free that i sent a facebook message to someone i didn’t know to tell them about God’s love and forgiveness. and then i realized that i felt comfortable telling a complete stranger about my faith, but i couldn’t tell the people i live with. i realized that i was afraid. i’m not sure how to describe the fear, maybe afraid of being judged or labeled unfairly, afraid to go all out, afraid to cross the line and risk ridicule. maybe i never felt this passionately about it before, but i’ve got to tell you about this love, or i’m going to explode. as i sit here with shaking wrists, i’m coming out. i’m telling the world, starting with Gunn Hall and West Georgia, that i’ve sold out for Christ. i can’t hold back anymore and i am not afraid.

i have to tell you that God sent his son Jesus to rescue you and set you free. he created the whole universe and he has a plan for your life. he loves you, whether you are walking with him or not. above all, he desires to be close to you. he's turned my life upside down and given me opportunities that i never dreamed i would have. he's provided for me and saved me from depression and fear and shame. i stand in awe of the mercy and power of God, of the love that casts out all fear. i hope that you know this same freedom and joy of being forgiven and redeemed, the excitement of a fresh start and the promise of life with the one who made you and knows you.

what i have just told you means everything to me, this is what my life is built on, what i was made to proclaim. when i remember this i am filled with joy and peace, the hard things don’t seem so hard because i rely on God. he already has victory, so i don’t have to be afraid. Paul said, “to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

i want to apologize for the times when i haven’t acted out this faith, when i have been mean or critical. i’m sorry for not helping when i should have and for not being available. i’m sorry for giving an impression of indifference, that is not how i feel…

i just wanted to tell you about this love…

sarah mathias

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