This is day three of having two interns live at our house. I thought I would have less time, but it feels like I have more. Looking forward to getting to know them better. We have waffle night tonight so they can meet some of our friends and our friends can meet them. I want to have a girls night soon.
I wish we had a pool we could go to.
Just saw the email that all my clinical evals are in-- all my hours are done and all the evals are in. Here I come for student teaching in the fall. Soon I will be a real, licensed teacher.
While eating like a rabbit is an effective and mathematically sound practice, it can be boring.
The garden is coming in nice-- lots of plants that I don't know. There is a real bunny that lives in the rocks beside our house. There is a big bunny and a baby one, at least one baby one. The bunny is in the garden every day, eating whatever is close to the ground, which isn't anything really pretty. I am kind of employing him/her as a weeder so that I don't have to do it. The rose bush is opening up. The seeds I planted in May are now plants about 7 inches tall. Soon there will be flowers!
The house is coming together. We're still loving it. I got some art from my mom and it really spruced the place up. Still waiting on my favorite one to be ready.
My birthday's coming up soon.
I'll be working at a different summer site this year. I'm prepping the materials this week with my boss.
Gotta go! Time to make pizza!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Jeff Buckley
I am loving this music by Jeff Buckley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY5JFUtuROU
This album is awesome.
I was reading up on who this guy was and found out that he died in Memphis, probably when I was living there. He drowned in a river that I frequently drove by. It's weird to think that if my family had known him, we could have been there to save him.
I wish he were still alive so he could make more music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY5JFUtuROU
This album is awesome.
I was reading up on who this guy was and found out that he died in Memphis, probably when I was living there. He drowned in a river that I frequently drove by. It's weird to think that if my family had known him, we could have been there to save him.
I wish he were still alive so he could make more music.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year's Day
Some people say don't bring the old
to the new. Now is the time
to throw away bad habits.
Maybe we humans need more than
sheer will to do what is good for us.
A baby was also born on December 31.
Lines float to us in neat rows shining
on screens. We watch the world,
see things we wish to never see,
say "Happy New Year"
because that is what we hope for
deep in our hearts, but, deep in our hearts
we know that someone is dying
and the world cannot always be
the rosy place we'd like.
We hope that it will be Happy for us.
We have made it this far, hurrah!
We sign on for the next twelve months
like soldiers signing up for another tour.
And after all this, my body speaks
unbidden, come Lord Jesus.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Idealist, Disappointed
As a die hard idealist, I often struggle with reconciling all the "should's" with the "are's."
Politicians should tell the truth. We should have friends in Madison. My mom's store shouldn't be closing. My church should be a great place to meet God.
Reality isn't always kind.
But then, there are a lot of good things that happen out of the blue that by all rights shouldn't happen.
What do you do when you are disappointed? My personal trend is to run. Hit the deck and run like hell. Get out of there before any one else can hurt or disappoint you. But I have been thinking about this a little and have decided that while this is the easiest option, it might not be the best option long term. If you keep running, you eventually arrive at a place where no one knows you at all. None of your relationships can survive beyond a conflict. I learned this from C who for some reason doesn't consider running. Once you run, there is no way to fix it. You can't make a change (and neither can the other party) because you are gone. You stop giving the other side a chance. You take control.
Control is something I am a pro at in this context. I usually justify my decision to run with statements like "I'm not getting what I need, and I need to go somewhere where I will. Nothing's going to change." Or, "if I don't fight for myself, who will?" Or, "Why should I wait to see what happens?" It's all very "I" centered. It's gets close to the self-preservation instincts, and it's all about control.
I am not always sure how to fight the instinct to run. It's a habit that's been ingrained through a life of moving. It's easy to believe that my decision to leave won't affect anyone, but that's my impression of reality, not necessarily the facts.
I have so many questions about how to live. I don't want to put a gloss over everything and pretend to be happy. I feel like a little kid in a pink dress outside under a tree. The bad guys came and knocked my glasses off and now they are standing around laughing at me while I grope around on the ground and try to find them.
Politicians should tell the truth. We should have friends in Madison. My mom's store shouldn't be closing. My church should be a great place to meet God.
Reality isn't always kind.
But then, there are a lot of good things that happen out of the blue that by all rights shouldn't happen.
What do you do when you are disappointed? My personal trend is to run. Hit the deck and run like hell. Get out of there before any one else can hurt or disappoint you. But I have been thinking about this a little and have decided that while this is the easiest option, it might not be the best option long term. If you keep running, you eventually arrive at a place where no one knows you at all. None of your relationships can survive beyond a conflict. I learned this from C who for some reason doesn't consider running. Once you run, there is no way to fix it. You can't make a change (and neither can the other party) because you are gone. You stop giving the other side a chance. You take control.
Control is something I am a pro at in this context. I usually justify my decision to run with statements like "I'm not getting what I need, and I need to go somewhere where I will. Nothing's going to change." Or, "if I don't fight for myself, who will?" Or, "Why should I wait to see what happens?" It's all very "I" centered. It's gets close to the self-preservation instincts, and it's all about control.
I am not always sure how to fight the instinct to run. It's a habit that's been ingrained through a life of moving. It's easy to believe that my decision to leave won't affect anyone, but that's my impression of reality, not necessarily the facts.
I have so many questions about how to live. I don't want to put a gloss over everything and pretend to be happy. I feel like a little kid in a pink dress outside under a tree. The bad guys came and knocked my glasses off and now they are standing around laughing at me while I grope around on the ground and try to find them.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Good Seeing You
Sometimes it's hard to hold on to yourself. That's what this summer has been like. I'm coming back down from working full time, school full time, friends moving, family trauma, big church changes, if it wasn't nailed down, it's gone. But, there were and are some bright spots. For example, I have become a semi-expert on the Civil War. And also I love playing softball. I never would have seen those two coming. I'm also very excited about my new food processor.
I became a Civil War expert through this online class I had to take as a pre-req for my certification program. It was among the classes that I have done the most work for in my life. I read over 1,000 pages and watched 9+ hours of video (so did loyal Caleb) with the same music playing in the background. I learned so much and I got really into it. To celebrate finishing the class, I went to the Wisconsin Veteran's Museum and explored their Civil War exhibit. They had a giant interactive table-screen that was like a general's desk. You could tap on the different objects (a hat, a coffee mug, various maps and folders) like on an iPad and read about their significance. You could also trace all the regiments from WI through all of their engagements, but they only had the data for up to 1862. It is hard not to get carried away talking about CW facts whenever something comes up in conversation that relates to it, because, you know, everything goes back to the Civil War. I've also been reading a couple of books set in the 1850s and I find myself fact checking the authors. For example, "I don't know if they would have had paper money at that point because the Civil War wasn't in full swing."
Softball is the fun sport I never knew. I am really enjoying the people in my cohort for the ed. program. I feel more and more affection for them as the weeks go by. We are having a cohort softball game this weekend that I am very excited about. It is good to have some more friends. After over a year in Madison, it is our closest friends that we long for, and our mentors. We realize even more how good we had it. But we are still trying to build, one step at a time.
That's all for now, folks!
I became a Civil War expert through this online class I had to take as a pre-req for my certification program. It was among the classes that I have done the most work for in my life. I read over 1,000 pages and watched 9+ hours of video (so did loyal Caleb) with the same music playing in the background. I learned so much and I got really into it. To celebrate finishing the class, I went to the Wisconsin Veteran's Museum and explored their Civil War exhibit. They had a giant interactive table-screen that was like a general's desk. You could tap on the different objects (a hat, a coffee mug, various maps and folders) like on an iPad and read about their significance. You could also trace all the regiments from WI through all of their engagements, but they only had the data for up to 1862. It is hard not to get carried away talking about CW facts whenever something comes up in conversation that relates to it, because, you know, everything goes back to the Civil War. I've also been reading a couple of books set in the 1850s and I find myself fact checking the authors. For example, "I don't know if they would have had paper money at that point because the Civil War wasn't in full swing."
Softball is the fun sport I never knew. I am really enjoying the people in my cohort for the ed. program. I feel more and more affection for them as the weeks go by. We are having a cohort softball game this weekend that I am very excited about. It is good to have some more friends. After over a year in Madison, it is our closest friends that we long for, and our mentors. We realize even more how good we had it. But we are still trying to build, one step at a time.
That's all for now, folks!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I Thought Those Days Were Over
Today I left home at 8:30 and returned at 8:30. Before I left this morning, I finished reading a chapter about language development and wrote a paper. I packed lunch and dinner from fridge leftovers and heated them up in the two respective schools.
(My Thursday night ritual when I get back from class is to eat a bowl of Quaker Oat's Oh's.
I don't know how I am going to make it. You chop off a dragon's head and up pop three more uglier ones.
I want to stick my head in this delicious bush outside our window. It's the best thing I've ever smelled. What is the name of it?)
Sometimes I don't get the people in my class or they don't get me. I am too young or something. I don't think certain things are important. I want the facts. Just give me the info and let me go. Don't ask all these questions in language that doesn't really get at what you want us to answer. The problem with having different professors every four weeks is that they don't know what the previous ones have already talked about. There should be more communication and syllabus sharing. I am already picking out strategies I want to use and not use. I learned about smart boards today, on the ground. I love the fourth and fifth grade. They are writing papers and it's so much fun to help them out and talk about ideas. One of the teachers used the word "schema" today in her lesson, "if you don't have a schema for this..." and I just read about Piaget last night. It was sweet. I was like, "dang, she just did that in a 4/5 class. Do they know what a schema is? Do they know what she was saying?? Piaget? Really???" It's great motivation to learn it because in the chapter, there were so many examples that I've seen of testing for Piaget's different stages of development, testing for specific principles (esp. conservation), and then she said the word "schema." That means this stuff is important.
Everything I did today was about school. I did my work for class tonight. I did observation hours at my school for my program. Then I worked at the same school. Then I left early to go to my 4 hour long class. You couldn't fit any more education into my day (please don't let me end up being wrong about that in some freaky way). It's all I think about. Except for all the things that I have to do that I didn't do and should do...
The apt. is totally trashed. One of the teachers made a joke today in the teachers' lounge about how she couldn't believe she left her house the way she did this morning and that social services was going to come... hah. They should see mine. Dishes, clothes, stuff everywhere-- the chaos of a life well lived, right?
For every hours that I spend at the school doing clinicals, I have to write a certain page length reflection. I think I owe probably ten pages by now, just from this week. Maybe eight or nine. We'll see. I signed up for an online class to meet one of my pre req's and now I have to do an online orientation!!!! What is there to orient???? What is there to figure out that will take three hours?!?!
Going at this pace makes doing laundry sound like a vacation. While I was sitting in my class, I was wondering which task I should try to knock out next (probably the "success stories" for my job that I didn't know were due tomorrow until today!!!!!! talk about frustration. I told one of my coworkers that we stopped being successful a couple of months ago haha nothing to write about), but now that I am home, I would like to paint my nails and watch a very familiar chick flick. What will win? Washing the dishes and going to bed early.
Why was all of this so much fun in college? I am trying to figure it out. I didn't have a job with last minute demands. I didn't have to cook for myself. I didn't have to drive half an hour to get to work. Everything I did was in one place. Now there are so many pockets of concern and they are spread all over the city. Three-headed dragons on every corner. I would probably forget some of them if not for the gnashing teeth.
(Anyone know how to find an online biology class that isn't thru BYU?
Go to the post office. )
Wish me luck. And don't abandon me, friends, even though I am too busy to call you like I should (and want to).
(My Thursday night ritual when I get back from class is to eat a bowl of Quaker Oat's Oh's.
I don't know how I am going to make it. You chop off a dragon's head and up pop three more uglier ones.
I want to stick my head in this delicious bush outside our window. It's the best thing I've ever smelled. What is the name of it?)
Sometimes I don't get the people in my class or they don't get me. I am too young or something. I don't think certain things are important. I want the facts. Just give me the info and let me go. Don't ask all these questions in language that doesn't really get at what you want us to answer. The problem with having different professors every four weeks is that they don't know what the previous ones have already talked about. There should be more communication and syllabus sharing. I am already picking out strategies I want to use and not use. I learned about smart boards today, on the ground. I love the fourth and fifth grade. They are writing papers and it's so much fun to help them out and talk about ideas. One of the teachers used the word "schema" today in her lesson, "if you don't have a schema for this..." and I just read about Piaget last night. It was sweet. I was like, "dang, she just did that in a 4/5 class. Do they know what a schema is? Do they know what she was saying?? Piaget? Really???" It's great motivation to learn it because in the chapter, there were so many examples that I've seen of testing for Piaget's different stages of development, testing for specific principles (esp. conservation), and then she said the word "schema." That means this stuff is important.
Everything I did today was about school. I did my work for class tonight. I did observation hours at my school for my program. Then I worked at the same school. Then I left early to go to my 4 hour long class. You couldn't fit any more education into my day (please don't let me end up being wrong about that in some freaky way). It's all I think about. Except for all the things that I have to do that I didn't do and should do...
The apt. is totally trashed. One of the teachers made a joke today in the teachers' lounge about how she couldn't believe she left her house the way she did this morning and that social services was going to come... hah. They should see mine. Dishes, clothes, stuff everywhere-- the chaos of a life well lived, right?
For every hours that I spend at the school doing clinicals, I have to write a certain page length reflection. I think I owe probably ten pages by now, just from this week. Maybe eight or nine. We'll see. I signed up for an online class to meet one of my pre req's and now I have to do an online orientation!!!! What is there to orient???? What is there to figure out that will take three hours?!?!
Going at this pace makes doing laundry sound like a vacation. While I was sitting in my class, I was wondering which task I should try to knock out next (probably the "success stories" for my job that I didn't know were due tomorrow until today!!!!!! talk about frustration. I told one of my coworkers that we stopped being successful a couple of months ago haha nothing to write about), but now that I am home, I would like to paint my nails and watch a very familiar chick flick. What will win? Washing the dishes and going to bed early.
Why was all of this so much fun in college? I am trying to figure it out. I didn't have a job with last minute demands. I didn't have to cook for myself. I didn't have to drive half an hour to get to work. Everything I did was in one place. Now there are so many pockets of concern and they are spread all over the city. Three-headed dragons on every corner. I would probably forget some of them if not for the gnashing teeth.
(Anyone know how to find an online biology class that isn't thru BYU?
Go to the post office. )
Wish me luck. And don't abandon me, friends, even though I am too busy to call you like I should (and want to).
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Approaching One Year
I still have the dashboard widgets up from graduation and getting married and I'm on day 349 since graduation and day 322 since marriage. We're also approaching the anniversary of moving to Madison. And Caleb's bday and my bday. We always look ahead in the White house- plan trips, write things on the calendar, book flights, etc. But now I am going to do some reflecting, not planning. Reverse the direction that I look.
It has been a good year. I think when you move to a new place, there's a period of time where you're trying to get your feet on the ground. You think you are fully there, but you aren't. Now I know I am really here in Madison. I saw that coming back from Brazil when I couldn't wait to go to work and see my kids and see our friends from church and other places. We reached out to so many people spontaneously during our first two weeks back because we were just craving some connection and familiarity. Not everything is settled, but we are getting there. We feel like us here, if that makes sense.
It is kind of weird getting further and further away from college and realizing that I will never be moving in a direction back towards what used to be my life. All of those friendships and people. I had been trying to keep extending it and extending it with phone calls, but now I don't see it the same way. I have been able to (somewhat) grieve and appreciate what I had and recognize that it was a unique and incredibly special time in my life. I have felt the pangs at different moments throughout the past year, and I might keep feeling them later. The friendships will morph as they naturally should to reflect where we all are now, and I don't feel the need to fight to keep them the same as they were.
And I see that in other areas of my life too, like with church and with my job and with other commitments. I am done fighting and carrying things I don't need to carry. Let God do what he wants and I will accept my part.
On a totally different note, I love seeing all the pictures of newborn babies on fb. Everyone is having a baby these days. Not me. Don't get your hopes up. Maybe it's the springtime or something, but I have been wanting to get a pet. Usually I hate animals and I think newborns are ugly, but I think my heart is softening up. If we didn't have this apt. where pets are not allowed, I could go for a kitten or something small and cute and soft.
Caleb is tearing it up at his job, always learning something new and talking about excel macros and things that I have no idea what they are. I am loving my job, too. I love it more and more. I love those kids. I keep learning new things about them, and some of the things I learn are really sad, like things parents or big brothers do or how they got that scratch which I don't believe, but an equal or greater number of things are great. This one kid loves cook books and I like to look at them with him and other kids. We are doing a unit on the DR right now and building a float for the Celebrate Diversity Parade. We had a total blast building it on Friday. We spent about two hours on it because they never have homework on Friday. I like seeing what they are good at. This one kid has huge sports talent. Another one is really good at reading even though he has a rough background that doesn't really lend itself to trips to the library during the summer. This kid in particular has got me thinking a lot of radical thoughts, very radical thoughts, but thoughts that are in line with who I know I am and what God has put in me. They just scare my socks off sometimes when I think about actually doing them, or what it would mean for my "orderly" and seemingly normal life. I am realizing that when you do crazy things, only about 5% of it looks like a movie and the other 95% probably looks like hell that you want to get out of, change takes time and pain can break your heart, and when you think about how long it would take for someone to heal and all the work that would go into it and how much it would cost you. It's not very much like a movie at all, but it's better, if you can make it. If you are called down that road. Oh boy.
I just started school to be a classroom teacher for 1-8 grade. It's gonna be great. Have only had two classes so far, and they've been good. I'm ready to get into the meat. I have a full-time job for 9-10 weeks of the summer at the school where I work. It should be good, but I still know nothing about what I will actually be doing and I have to help plan it all starting on Monday. PRAY for good communication within our team.
I can't wait to see my family at Memorial day. All of them. Immediate, YES. Mandy, YES. But also the parts of this side of the family that I have never met! And a cousin I haven't seen since she was 2. I am looking forward to the catching up and for them to meet C. And I can't wait to sit around with my parents in the morning and drink coffee. I can't wait to give all of them the sweet presents I got them in Brazil, especially Jon. He will die laughing. And Mom will die of delight. Cannot wait. 34 days.
And now C and I are going to get some nachos at Taco Bell because he and I have never ever been on a late night taco bell run together, something characteristic of the good old days of college and living in a dorm. sigh. but also so glad I do not live in a dorm anymore. I love my bed and I can sleep in peace without running footsteps at 3 am.
End of post. xoxo
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