Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Christmas Letter Pics

Thanks for reading the Christmas letter! Here are some photo highlights from our year.


April-- Caleb and I got to travel to Memphis for Jon's senior musical. It was amazing, and I saw it three times. 


June-- Caleb and I biking in Niagara. 


I included this one so you could get the whole effect of the Canadian ponchos. 


October-- Jon started at Northwestern, and we got to visit him briefly one weekend. 


November-- My mom finished her MFA program at the end of the year, and we got to see her final show over Thanksgiving. It was awesome. 


All of the three kids were able to be there, and we were very proud. 



In December, we went to Brazil for Ben and Denise's wedding! It was a beautiful wedding and a great time with friends. We were so glad to be there. 


Christmas dinner in Brazil. 


Pao de azucar in the background in Rio. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Fresh

Coming home -- fresh start

I want to do the things I used to do.

There's nothing like going on a two week trip to completely re-focus your perspective. Some of these things have been in the works for a while through friends encouraging me and small opportunities popping up, but coming back from Brazil, I can feel the wind in my sails.

I think for the whole first part of the school year I was running uphill and giving it all I had for so many weeks that it totally drained me. I feel more confident now that I can do my work, and I feel less stressed by it. Things are looking good heading into the end of the quarter. Still more to learn, but it seems doable. And I am more willing to try things, take risks, have fun, be more open.

I want this to be the year of creativity. I want to write more, make more music, read more, think more. My brain is coming back to life. All the tendrils are uncurling stretching basking.

I want to live. Really live. Not be a machine.

I want to share more of who I am at my new school and with the staff. Shout-out to CF!

I want to live free. Or die hard. Just kidding. hahahahahaha that's all for now.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Million Things

This is day three of having two interns live at our house. I thought I would have less time, but it feels like I have more. Looking forward to getting to know them better. We have waffle night tonight so they can meet some of our friends and our friends can meet them. I want to have a girls night soon.

I wish we had a pool we could go to.

Just saw the email that all my clinical evals are in-- all my hours are done and all the evals are in. Here I come for student teaching in the fall. Soon I will be a real, licensed teacher.

While eating like a rabbit is an effective and mathematically sound practice, it can be boring.

The garden is coming in nice-- lots of plants that I don't know. There is a real bunny that lives in the rocks beside our house. There is a big bunny and a baby one, at least one baby one. The bunny is in the garden every day, eating whatever is close to the ground, which isn't anything really pretty. I am kind of employing him/her as a weeder so that I don't have to do it. The rose bush is opening up. The seeds I planted in May are now plants about 7 inches tall. Soon there will be flowers!

The house is coming together. We're still loving it. I got some art from my mom and it really spruced the place up. Still waiting on my favorite one to be ready.

My birthday's coming up soon.

I'll be working at a different summer site this year. I'm prepping the materials this week with my boss.

Gotta go! Time to make pizza!

Jeff Buckley

I am loving this music by Jeff Buckley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY5JFUtuROU

This album is awesome.

I was reading up on who this guy was and found out that he died in Memphis, probably when I was living there. He drowned in a river that I frequently drove by. It's weird to think that if my family had known him, we could have been there to save him.

I wish he were still alive so he could make more music.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

New Year's Day


Some people say don't bring the old
to the new. Now is the time
to throw away bad habits.
Maybe we humans need more than
sheer will to do what is good for us.
A baby was also born on December 31.
Lines float to us in neat rows shining
on screens. We watch the world,
see things we wish to never see,
say "Happy New Year"
because that is what we hope for
deep in our hearts, but, deep in our hearts
we know that someone is dying
and the world cannot always be
the rosy place we'd like.
We hope that it will be Happy for us.
We have made it this far, hurrah!
We sign on for the next twelve months
like soldiers signing up for another tour.
And after all this, my body speaks
unbidden, come Lord Jesus.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Idealist, Disappointed

As a die hard idealist, I often struggle with reconciling all the "should's" with the "are's."

Politicians should tell the truth. We should have friends in Madison. My mom's store shouldn't be closing. My church should be a great  place to meet God.

Reality isn't always kind.

But then, there are a lot of good things that happen out of the blue that by all rights shouldn't happen.

What do you do when you are disappointed? My personal trend is to run. Hit the deck and run like hell. Get out of there before any one else can hurt or disappoint you. But I have been thinking about this a little and have decided that while this is the easiest option, it might not be the best option long term. If you keep running, you eventually arrive at a place where no one knows you at all. None of your relationships can survive beyond a conflict. I learned this from C who for some reason doesn't consider running. Once you run, there is no way to fix it. You can't make a change (and neither can the other party) because you are gone. You stop giving the other side a chance. You take control.

Control is something I am a pro at in this context. I usually justify my decision to run with statements like "I'm not getting what I need, and I need to go somewhere where I will. Nothing's going to change." Or, "if I don't fight for myself, who will?" Or, "Why should I wait to see what happens?" It's all very "I" centered. It's gets close to the self-preservation instincts, and it's all about control.

I am not always sure how to fight the instinct to run. It's a habit that's been ingrained through a life of moving. It's easy to believe that my decision to leave won't affect anyone, but that's my impression of reality,  not necessarily the facts.

I have so many questions about how to live. I don't want to put a gloss over everything and pretend to be happy. I feel like a little kid in a pink dress outside under a tree. The bad guys came and knocked my glasses off and now they are standing around laughing at me while I grope around on the ground and try to find them.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Good Seeing You

Sometimes it's hard to hold on to yourself. That's what this summer has been like. I'm coming back down from working full time, school full time, friends moving, family trauma, big church changes, if it wasn't nailed down, it's gone. But, there were and are some bright spots. For example, I have become a semi-expert on the Civil War. And also I love playing softball. I never would have seen those two coming. I'm also very excited about my new food processor.

I became a Civil War expert through this online class I had to take as a pre-req for my certification program. It was among the classes that I have done the most work for in my life. I read over 1,000 pages and watched 9+ hours of video (so did loyal Caleb) with the same music playing in the background. I learned so much and I got really into it. To celebrate finishing the class, I went to the Wisconsin Veteran's Museum and explored their Civil War exhibit. They had a giant interactive table-screen that was like a general's desk. You could tap on the different objects (a hat, a coffee mug, various maps and folders) like on an iPad and read about their significance. You could also trace all the regiments from WI through all of their engagements, but they only had the data for up to 1862. It is hard not to get carried away talking about CW facts whenever something comes up in conversation that relates to it, because, you know, everything goes back to the Civil War. I've also been reading a couple of books set in the 1850s and I find myself fact checking the authors. For example, "I don't know if they would have had paper money at that point because the Civil War wasn't in full swing."

Softball is the fun sport I never knew. I am really enjoying the people in my cohort for the ed. program. I feel more and more affection for them as the weeks go by. We are having a cohort softball game this weekend that I am very excited about. It is good to have some more friends. After over a year in Madison, it is our closest friends that we long for, and our mentors. We realize even more how good we had it. But we are still trying to build, one step at a time.

That's all for now, folks!


Thursday, May 10, 2012

I Thought Those Days Were Over

Today I left home at 8:30 and returned at 8:30. Before I left this morning, I finished reading a chapter about language development and wrote a paper. I packed lunch and dinner from fridge leftovers and heated them up in the two respective schools.

(My Thursday night ritual when I get back from class is to eat a bowl of Quaker Oat's Oh's.

I don't know how I am going to make it. You chop off a dragon's head and up pop three more uglier ones.

I want to stick my head in this delicious bush outside our window. It's the best thing I've ever smelled. What is the name of it?)

Sometimes I don't get the people in my class or they don't get me. I am too young or something. I don't think certain things are important. I want the facts. Just give me the info and let me go. Don't ask all these questions in language that doesn't really get at what you want us to answer. The problem with having different professors every four weeks is that they don't know what the previous ones have already talked about. There should be more communication and syllabus sharing. I am already picking out strategies I want to use and not use. I learned about smart boards today, on the ground. I love the fourth and fifth grade. They are writing papers and it's so much fun to help them out and talk about ideas. One of the teachers used the word "schema" today in her lesson, "if you don't have a schema for this..." and I just read about Piaget last night. It was sweet. I was like, "dang, she just did that in a 4/5 class. Do they know what a schema is? Do they know what she was saying?? Piaget? Really???" It's great motivation to learn it because in the chapter, there were so many examples that I've seen of testing for Piaget's different stages of development, testing for specific principles (esp. conservation), and then she said the word "schema." That means this stuff is important.

Everything I did today was about school. I did my work for class tonight. I did observation hours at my school for my program. Then I worked at the same school. Then I left early to go to my 4 hour long class. You couldn't fit any more education into my day (please don't let me end up being wrong about that in some freaky way). It's all I think about. Except for all the things that I have to do that I didn't do and should do...

The apt. is totally trashed. One of the teachers made a joke today in the teachers' lounge about how she couldn't believe she left her house the way she did this morning and that social services was going to come... hah. They should see mine. Dishes, clothes, stuff everywhere-- the chaos of a life well lived, right?

For every hours that I spend at the school doing clinicals, I have to write a certain page length reflection. I think I owe probably ten pages by now, just from this week. Maybe eight or nine. We'll see. I signed up for an online class to meet one of my pre req's and now I have to do an online orientation!!!! What is there to orient???? What is there to figure out that will take three hours?!?!

Going at this pace makes doing laundry sound like a vacation. While I was sitting in my class, I was wondering which task I should try to knock out next (probably the "success stories" for my job that I didn't know were due tomorrow until today!!!!!! talk about frustration. I told one of my coworkers that we stopped being successful a couple of months ago haha nothing to write about), but now that I am home, I would like to paint my nails and watch a very familiar chick flick. What will win? Washing the dishes and going to bed early.

Why was all of this so much fun in college? I am trying to figure it out. I didn't have a job with last minute demands. I didn't have to cook for myself. I didn't have to drive half an hour to get to work. Everything I did was in one place. Now there are so many pockets of concern and they are spread all over the city. Three-headed dragons on every corner. I would probably forget some of them if not for the gnashing teeth.

(Anyone know how to find an online biology class that isn't thru BYU?

Go to the post office. )

Wish me luck. And don't abandon me, friends, even though I am too busy to call you like I should (and want to).

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Approaching One Year

I still have the dashboard widgets up from graduation and getting married and I'm on day 349 since graduation and day 322 since marriage. We're also approaching the anniversary of moving to Madison. And Caleb's bday and my bday. We always look ahead in the White house- plan trips, write things on the calendar, book flights, etc. But now I am going to do some reflecting, not planning. Reverse the direction that I look. 

It has been a good year. I think when you move to a new place, there's a period of time where you're trying to get your feet on the ground. You think you are fully there, but you aren't. Now I know I am really here in Madison. I saw that coming back from Brazil when I couldn't wait to go to work and see my kids and see our friends from church and other places. We reached out to so many people spontaneously during our first two weeks back because we were just craving some connection and familiarity. Not everything is settled, but we are getting there. We feel like us here, if that makes sense. 

It is kind of weird getting further and further away from college and realizing that I will never be moving in a direction back towards what used to be my life. All of those friendships and people. I had been trying to keep extending it and extending it with phone calls, but now I don't see it the same way. I have been able to (somewhat) grieve and appreciate what I had and recognize that it was a unique and incredibly special time in my life. I have felt the pangs at different moments throughout the past year, and I might keep feeling them later. The friendships will morph as they naturally should to reflect where we all are now, and I don't feel the need to fight to keep them the same as they were. 

And I see that in other areas of my life too, like with church and with my job and with other commitments. I am done fighting and carrying things I don't need to carry. Let God do what he wants and I will accept my part. 

On a totally different note, I love seeing all the pictures of newborn babies on fb. Everyone is having a baby these days. Not me. Don't get your hopes up. Maybe it's the springtime or something, but I have been wanting to get a pet. Usually I hate animals and I think newborns are ugly, but I think my heart is softening up. If we didn't have this apt. where pets are not allowed, I could go for a kitten or something small and cute and soft. 

Caleb is tearing it up at his job, always learning something new and talking about excel macros and things that I have no idea what they are. I am loving my job, too. I love it more and more. I love those kids. I keep learning new things about them, and some of the things I learn are really sad, like things parents or big brothers do or how they got that scratch which I don't believe, but an equal or greater number of things are great. This one kid loves cook books and I like to look at them with him and other kids. We are doing a unit on the DR right now and building a float for the Celebrate Diversity Parade. We had a total blast building it on Friday. We spent about two hours on it because they never have homework on Friday. I like seeing what they are good at. This one kid has huge sports talent. Another one is really good at reading even though he has a rough background that doesn't really lend itself to trips to the library during the summer. This kid in particular has got me thinking a lot of radical thoughts, very radical thoughts, but thoughts that are in line with who I know I am and what God has put in me. They just scare my socks off sometimes when I think about actually doing them, or what it would mean for my "orderly" and seemingly normal life. I am realizing that when you do crazy things, only about 5% of it looks like a movie and the other 95% probably looks like hell that you want to get out of, change takes time and pain can break your heart, and when you think about how long it would take for someone to heal and all the work that would go into it and how much it would cost you. It's not very much like a movie at all, but it's better, if you can make it. If you are called down that road. Oh boy. 

I just started school to be a classroom teacher for 1-8 grade. It's gonna be great. Have only had two classes so far, and they've been good. I'm ready to get into the meat. I have a full-time job for 9-10 weeks of the summer at the school where I work. It should be good, but I still know nothing about what I will actually be doing and I have to help plan it all starting on Monday. PRAY for good communication within our team. 

I can't wait to see my family at Memorial day. All of them. Immediate, YES. Mandy, YES. But also the parts of this side of the family that I have never met! And a cousin I haven't seen since she was 2. I am looking forward to the catching up and for them to meet C. And I can't wait to sit around with my parents in the morning and drink coffee. I can't wait to give all of them the sweet presents I got them in Brazil, especially Jon. He will die laughing. And Mom will die of delight. Cannot wait. 34 days. 

And now C and I are going to get some nachos at Taco Bell because he and I have never ever been on a late night taco bell run together, something characteristic of the good old days of college and living in a dorm. sigh. but also so glad I do not live in a dorm anymore. I love my bed and I can sleep in peace without running footsteps at 3 am. 

End of post. xoxo 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Writing with 2/3 kids

Oh, one more thing that IS worth saying--

I interviewed most of my students last week for info for their files, and one of them said that his favorite/easiest class at school was writing. I was shocked. He's not really "the type." He does great at math and is the bey blade ring leader of the pack. Anyway, he said we should do more writing activities, and I thought it was a great idea. So, I found some old notebooks in the supply closet, ripped all the used pages out, and brought them to our class. I brought a ton of magazines (also ripped out all the inappropriate pages in those) and we cut out inspiring pictures and glued them on the front of the notebooks. Today before afterschool, I wrote prompts at the top of the first five or so pages. Some of the pages were for listing things, and others were for describing. But I didn't put the same prompts in everyone's books; I tried to make them specific to the students. For one student who I knew liked cute things and wrote her own songs, I had "the most beautiful things in the world are..." and "describe how you write a song, and/or write a song" on two of her pages. For one who likes food and cookbooks a ton, his first page was "my favorite foods to cook and eat are..." Some wrote more than others, and some just put a one or two word answer, but I tried to encourage them to fill up the page or at least half and to use sentences. Some of them used up all five pages in one day. So it definitely needs tweaking to get them to actually write or tell stories and spend some time on it. More research is required...

Another cool thing we finished up today is writing letters to a class of students at the school I worked at in the Dominican Republic. We spent two days working on it, and after they finished their letters, they could draw a picture to send with their letter. I am really excited about this project. I can't wait till we get some letters back and can read them! Hopefully it will be right when we are doing our next unit about different countries, because the country we are doing is the DR.
So blog peeps. It's been a while.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I think I am going back to school. Still not 100% solid about it, but it will probably happen. The program is to get a teaching certificate for 1-8 grade. It will be a lot of work. That is what makes me not want to do it. haha Still waiting for the gut feeling of "go for it!" but that may not come before the first day of class...

Rowing is starting up a week from today. Preparing for that keeps me sore and tired, and on a weird schedule.

AND we're going to Brazil a week from Wednesday. I haven't really begun to imagine what it will be like to be gone for so long, on vacation, in a place where I don't know anyone or speak the language. I am looking forward to the shopping, and the food, which I have heard Caleb talk about for so long and now can finally experience. I am also really excited to see Iguazu Falls and go on a little mini vacation within the big vacation.

I just finished reading the first book in the Mitford series, which I liked more than I thought I would.

Well, the beautiful thoughts aren't really coming out tonight I guess. It's 10 pm and I feel old. Bedtime. Maybe the next one will be more interesting.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Death on a Monday


When I get home from practice, I like to watch people getting ready for the day. Buzzers announce the arrival of carpool or taxi service for the upstairs apartment. If I’m in the shower, I can hear her say, “I’ll be right down.” A couple outside brushes the snow off their car. The girl uses a snow scraper and the guy uses his gloved hand on the windows, then goes back to get the taillight. But they aren’t a couple. They are just carpool buddies with the potential of a little romantic tension here and there. Maybe one day he’ll get up the courage to ask her out for dinner after work. She drives. If they had left about ten minutes earlier, they wouldn’t have had to brush anything off. I wonder if they will die today. Impending death would make brushing the snow off the car in the morning more meaningful because it would be the last time. Would it have made a difference if they had left ten minutes before? I think about death more than normal people. The train crossing lights were flashing on the way to practice, but after stopping, I drove over them like the other cars did. There was no train. Same thing happened on the way back. Rush hour traffic was forced over a railroad crossing with flashing lights and sounds, but no train. I wondered who I should call about this. If and when the train does finally come, someone could die. Maybe the girl and guy in the blue Jetta. They will approach the tracks, sipping their coffee and listening to NPR because they are young professionals now. They will say to each other, “This is strange,” upon seeing the lights flashing, and will start to cross anyway like the other cars. The car will not accelerate as quickly as she thought it would because of the slush on the roads, and then the train will come. Two hours later than the flashing lights indicated. The blue Jetta will not return to the spot across the parking lot from mine. And the snow will continue. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

Earl Grey, Hot and a Meditation on "Household Stuff"

It's wonderful to have a slow day without feeling either restless or lethargic. The pace feels just right. We've finally got some snow on the ground up here. I've been sitting at the kitchen table for a couple hours requesting books about Brazil from the Southern Wisconsin library system. I'm surrounded by dishes from every meal I ate today, but they feel like friends, not like clutter on the brink of overwhelming me. The latest addition is the Earl Grey in a cup Caleb got me.

I used my day off work to resume going to crew practices. You know that feeling when you haven't worked out in a while and your lungs start to burn with every breath because you can't process the oxygen? That happened.

For a while, I've been experiencing this feeling of dread and futility related to household tasks. Why buy food? You just eat it all and have to buy more. Creating interesting menus, wanting to cook, wanting to clean (let's face it, that one's never easy), it's getting harder. Except for today, when it was fine. I think the problem is perspective. In my head, it's all a lot more difficult than it really is. I even have some new tools to help me. Inspired by Mom, I purchased some rubber gloves. Makes dish washing a lot better because my hands don't get chapped afterwards. I got a new cookbook for Christmas with lots of interesting recipes to try.

I didn't have many diversions into the world of "household stuff" in college. I don't know if we even vacuumed our dormroom... I remember cleaning when we had an apartment, occasionally. We had to wash dishes, but the solution to that was easy-- don't eat in the room. Go to the cafeteria. Even in our house senior year, I never cooked because I didn't like the clean up part. Or the planning would stress me out. It seemed like another thing added on that I should try to eliminate if possible. When faced with the choice of household stuff and writing a paper, I would choose the paper, gladly.

Yesterday, we had all the blinds open and the southern sun was shining in and it was so warm, and then, I saw my dresser, and it was covered in dust. Dust that you cannot see without bright, clean sunlight. Where does dust come from? How does it get onto my dresser? And why does it stay there? Does dust accumulate on other surfaces besides those that are hard and shiny?

Another thing I have been thinking is if anyone actually likes doing this stuff. Is there a group of people out there who find housework enjoyable? When I was in the Dominican Republic, I watched my house mom, Lidia, prepare the meals. She did so much work for every single meal, dirtied dozens of bowls and platters, and then she cleaned it all up. On a Sunday, it took her about half of the entire day to do all this. No dishwasher. She started with the most basic ingredients and came up with these delicious masterpieces. I thought to myself that I never wanted to do that. I didn't want to stay in the kitchen for seven hours a day. And she did it like it was no big deal. Oh yeah, just another day in the life. Did she do this when she was a child? How did she learn it?

In the DR, they have people who do the other cleaning. The moms do most of the cooking, but someone else does the laundry and the hard cleaning-- the floors, the bathrooms, etc. One time, Lidia's son got in big trouble because he didn't tell the lady that he needed his clothes washed (something like that) and Lidia got really mad at him and made him wash them himself, but he didn't know how! He was in college. It's funny to picture a bunch of guys from my college standing around the laundry room wondering what to put where, although I'm sure it was the case for a couple of them. Laundry is the one job I actually like. And vacumming's not bad either.

Then there are those jobs that will never get done: 1) Washing the goo-gone off the mirror from when we moved. It only comes off with hot soapy water, not Windex. Windex just smears it around the mirror 2) Cleaning the table and chairs we got off Craig's list. We use them everyday, but in certain places they have white residue on them that needs to come off. Not sure what it is, but it doesn't interfere with their use, so the cleaning doesn't happen.

The problem with some of these jobs is that they don't have to happen for you to live. No big deal if the mirror's streaky and the dresser's dusty. No one's going to die. But I always feel this sense of dread when things get dirty/are ditry. It's like those reading assignments that you wanted to do in college, but never had time for, and they kept getting further and further away, and the new ones kept coming, and it was better just to start on the new ones so you weren't behind, and even though you wanted to learn, you couldn't do everything. But they still nag you at the back of your mind. No one's going to die, but you would feel better if it were clean.

So why don't I clean the mirror? When I think about it, I visualize the soapy water from the rag dripping all over the carpet... this is ridiculous! I'm going to clean it right now!


Monday, December 5, 2011

Eat the Bread


Tom and T.T. smoke. Peter
walks with a cane and nods
agreement to everything.
He says "God bless you"
to people he doesn't know.
Jay brought a blind man.
We only knew he was blind
because he pinched Jay's shirt
and walked right behind him
through the maze of tables.
T.T. is the mother who shepherds
them all through the door.

At first, we washed our hands
right when we came home.
But after we learned names,
we stopped thinking so much
about germs. We considered
job interviews and résumés,
bus tickets, stories, shelters,
and looked forward to good news.
We took their hands gladly because
"they" had become "us." We are one
body, and all partake of the one bread.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thankful

According to Facebook, almost everyone I know is flying somewhere this weekend. Statuses are filled with names of States and airports: "Rhode Island," "O'Hare," "packing is confusing." The last I heartily agree with. Whenever I pack for a trip, I end up cleaning out my desk or reading a book I've been meaning to read for a while. I am thankful this Thanksgiving not to be flying anywhere (I used to think I liked flying, but I really don't, esp. not with hoards of other people). Instead we will take a short drive over to the state of Iowa. My favorite part of the drive is through the hilly rural farmland of Wisconsin, so beautiful and so varied, with even an occasional llama farm. Then we cross to Iowa and it's all corn. Dubuque is interesting because it's on a river, but the rest not so much, no offense. My friend Brittaini would disagree saying that "this is one of the most serene and austere landscapes..."

At our waffle night last night, our friends, one friend in particular, was dismayed to see our new Christmas tree already decorated. He said, "Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. How can you celebrate it right if you already have your tree up?" We answered by saying that we were going to be traveling a lot and wanted to get full enjoyment out of it. Otherwise, I share in his sentiments. Thanksgiving is the bigger holiday in my family because my grandparents are Jewish-- they're not as interested in the birth of Jesus. Every Thanksgiving we are together. Grandpa carves the turkey. Grandma makes the orange jello mold and sweet potato yumminess and Mom makes the pies that always come out perfectly (that reminds me, I have to make a pie today!). Setting up the Christmas tree is also a Thanksgiving tradition. My dad wrote to me saying, "why don't we wait until you're home in December to do it?"

 Part of getting married is starting new traditions or incorporating the old into the new. We've got our tree up now because if we put it up after Thanksgiving, we would only get to look at it for two weeks before leaving town for Christmas. However, when we put it up, we still listened to the same Christmas cd my family listens to and drank eggnog. Those are the requirements for tree trimming. Another part of this first stage of marriage is being able to do whatever you want. There's only two people. No kid, sibling, friend, or relative is going to argue with you if/when you decide to go out and buy all the Christmas stuff you can think of and then outfit your apartment in a matter of hours. You can make your own rules. This is nice. "Do you want a wreath?" "Yeah! Let's get a wreath!" "Let's get it all!" "How about this star? Isn't it the prettiest star you've ever seen?" Later, we found out that the base of our star was actually made of lead and the back of the box said we should wash our hands after handling it...? "I like this stocking for you." "Awwww really, you do? I like it too." I think we spent more money on the Christmas decorations than we've spent on clothes and shoes for the past six months, but if you know us well, that's not saying too much.

One Thanksgiving tradition that my family observes on and off, also on people's birthdays, is to go around the table and say what you're thankful for. This year I've got a big list. Every time I listen to Marketplace on NPR, I feel like the world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it, but then I come back to reality and am overwhelmed by the blessings. I won't name them all because I don't want to sound like "oh, look at my wonderful life." But I will name one-- friendships. When we moved here, we knew one person through my aunt. And last night we had seven or so people over who have become our good friends over a period of months. Everyone brought something to eat and we feasted on bacon and eggs and apple juice and pumpkin waffles and tater tots and even a giant box of Godiva chocolates. It felt like a Thanksgiving dinner to me. Everyone shared out of what they had, their food, but also themselves.


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Soup and Self Righteousness

Disclaimer: now that I have a job, there is no time to blog, so things that aren't necessarily related get lumped together where before they could have been two posts. 

Snow and cold weather make me want to eat large quantities of soup. Yesterday at the grocery I caught an unmistakable whiff of potato soup and decided that's what we needed in our menu for the week. Unfortunately, they were not only completely out of potato soup mix, but also out of all the other common soup mixes so that the only flavors that were left involved wild rice. Don't get me wrong, a little wild rice isn't bad once in a while, but not when you're in the mood for creamy potato. This is the fifth time that I have been distinctly in the mood for something that my grocery store has been inexplicably out of. First it was the kikoman soy sauce, then, Campbell's tomato soup, then the correct size Mission tortillas, then the Barilla lasagna sheets, and now this-- potato soup mix. It seems like everyone wants to buy exactly what I want to buy, only they get there first. It could be attributed to the change of seasons; yesterday was the perfect day to buy soup mix because it was cold and rainy. And, smart people would have looked at the weather and anticipated that it was going to be cold this week, or, they could have just looked at their calendar. Everyone knows it's November, but I keep refusing to believe it, and the consequence is that I miss out on the good soups! I think I am somewhat justified in not believing that it's November. First, we've had pretty mild weather. Second, we haven't had to turn the heat on in our apartment yet. For some reason, our apartment retains heat very well, which is a blessing in that we will have a remarkably low electric bill for most of the winter, probably, but, I wake up sweaty most mornings even though it's 30 degrees outside. We haven't even switched to our comforter yet. So I was in denial... until today. Today, I heard the sound of little ice chips hitting my bedroom window. I left for Bible study, and it was sleeting. I don't think I've ever seen sleet. Always missed that one, somehow. So, it sleeted all the way there, and I was thinking, "This is so bizarre, but it's kind of nice, because you don't get wet because it bounces right off of you." I went to the first part of my class in a room with no windows, and when I walked out of the room, it was blizzarding outside-- big, wet snowglobs. And all the moms said, "my kids will be so excited!" I was in shock. Once it snows, there's really no turning back. I finally have to face the reality that I live in Wisconsin and it's going to be cold cold cold until April/May. I actually really like snow. But now I have to go to Target and buy those inside floor mats for our snowy shoes, and you know what, all those other rational/plan ahead people will have gotten to them first and they will be out of stock for weeks!

I did learn something today, and it's not at all related to the weather. I just wanted to get all that off my chest, but today at the Bible study we were talking about the Acts 15 passage and the Jerusalem council. The context is that Paul and Barnabus have gotten back from their first missionary journey where they saw huge numbers of non-Jews believe in Jesus. They are spending some time in a city called Antioch. Some guys come up from Jerusalem who are part of this group called the "Judiazers" (cool name, huh?) and they are telling everyone at the Antioch church, people who are mostly Greeks, not Jews, that they need to follow the law of Moses and get circumcised if they want to be saved. Basically, they have to become Jews before they can become Christians. Paul and Barnabus are like "No way Jose! We have worked too hard to teach these people the truth for you to come up here and wreck everything." So they go up to Jerusalem (one always goes "up" to Jerusalem no matter what direction you're actually coming from because of the altitude) and have this meeting with all the leaders and elders of the church there. And they decide that it's by grace through faith that both Jews and non-Jews/Gentiles/Greeks/everyone else are saved, not through following the law or being circumcised. The law and Jesus aren't of equal importance. Jesus gets all the importance, and nothing can be added to him and his work on the cross.

I thought I understood all this pretty well, until the speaker started relating this incident or crisis in the church to today. She asked this killer question about the things that we add to the gospel that aren't actually a part of it. And immediately my mind flashed to my church, and all the homeless people who are part of the congregation, and the people who didn't grow up in the church the way that I did. People who had wild lives before they came to faith. It is hard for me to accept people in the church who lived in what I would deem "big-time sin" before they got saved. And God has worked with me on this before through the parable of the prodigal son where I am the older brother who says, "What the heck. How can you let them in? I've done everything you ever asked (a far cry from the truth)." But, the point of that story is that the brother was too caught up in his own achievements when he should have been looking at God. It isn't about what he did or about what the brother did. The point of that story is to showcase the mercy of God, without which neither he nor the brother would have had anything.

What are we adding to the gospel? I had to sign the community covenant again to do some editing for a Wheaton prof. For those who don't know, the community covenant is a document that all the students and faculty at Wheaton commit to uphold. It basically outlines what the Bible says about how to live. There was a clause that I noticed this time through about self righteousness. It defined self righteousness as "the imposition of extra-biblical standards on others." Whoa. Wait a minute, I'm not self-righteous... at least, I didn't think I was. Yeah, I can relate to those guys who went up to Antioch, because they were basically saying, "We wish that all of you pagans who now believe had lived like we had-- without idol worship or big time sin." They saw the Greeks from their Jewish perspective. They wouldn't have even been allowed to go into one of these people's houses to eat a meal because it was against the law. But then Jesus came along. Dr. Duane Litfin would call this a watershed moment. After Jesus came, Peter was directed by God to go to the home of a centurion named Cornelius, a Roman (this is in Acts 10, and it's a great story). He goes into the house and tells them the message of Jesus, and the Holy Spirit fills all of them, just like it filled the Jewish disciples. Whoa! What about the law? God told Peter, "don't call anything unclean that God has made clean."

Whatever the past was, it's totally obliterated in Jesus. And his followers are supposed to act like it never happened. Oh, you used to worship idols? No biggie. For the Jews and Greeks/Romans/Gentiles, the difference between them was still probably outwardly visible because of culture. For us today, the difference is visible as we get to know people and hear their stories. But, learning about someone's past shouldn't cause us to draw back from them, it should cause us to praise God for his mercy in bringing this person to a new life. This is hard for me, and maybe it's hard for other people who have lived their whole lives in the church and don't know much from their own experience about what it feels like to live outside the church. You would think that being a part of the church would give people better experience with welcoming others from different backgrounds, but that is a topic for another day. If we can only relate to people who are like us, where's the hope for everyone else? I am learning how to do this better at my church where I can talk to homeless people and I can watch other people interact with grace and love.





Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Callings

All my friends are thinking about callings. What are my passions? What am I good at? What do I love? It's the post grad season and you've come out of college thinking you're one thing only to find out that you really aren't. Thinking about doing something  someday in the vague future is completely different than actually doing it every day-- then you know that a) you were disillusioned b) you might not want to have this job for the rest of your life c) you have no idea what you really care about.

But I don't think there's any way around this. How do you know something fits or doesn't fit until you try it? And don't tell me those experiences don't benefit you later in life. You've gotta learn something on those jobs. And how about the time-- all that time to think about what you really do want, what's your next move, what lessons are there for you in the season that you're in? We always want to "get there," that place where we're happy and perfectly satisfied. Things are in order and there's no unsettled feelings or doubts.

One friend talks about a "life plan." Should we have one? One benefit of moving so much as a child is that you never get too far ahead in your planning. I started to think about life in terms of where I lived. When I lived here, I did this. When I lived here, I did something else. And that rhythm carried over into my life even when I wasn't moving so that I liked to try new things every year. Crew one year, SMP another year, etc. Lots of change makes you more tentative about locking in your options and staking it all on them. You develop more of a "we'll see" attitude. But having a "we'll see" attitude is not a license to stop engaging with the people in your current world. In every world, invest fully and the fruits will come, albeit mysteriously at times.

How do you know what you love? Is there a fast-track way of figuring this out? I don't know. For me, it dawns on me during or after I do something that I really love it and it jives with who I am and I can't live without it. It brings me joy.

One thing bringing me a lot of joy these days is working with my class. I am more and more enchanted with them as I get to know them, even their mistakes are endearing. They got their school pictures back yesterday and I had the impulse to stop homework time and say, "Everyone hold up your school pictures for me to look at!" One of my bosses was in the room with me for the first hour, and she was telling them all to put them away because they were expensive and it was homework time ; ( But I wanted to look at them and tell them how good they turned out, etc...

Discipline can still be hard. So can getting them to be quiet when we go to the gym.

Tonight is our culmination activity for the month-- the costume party. We're having one this afternoon and one tonight at a library. My favorite costumes are Mario and Luigi that I made the hats for. Yesterday we added white gloves and mustaches and they looked fabulous. I'm excited for the fashion show today when they get to flaunt their costumes. We have an abundance of sweet props too. For spongebob we have a spatula and jellyfish net. For the two cheerleaders, I found some pom poms at the dollar tree. We have plastic crowns, Gokou hair (thanks, Jon, for making me watch that with you), hot pink gloves, and a purple boa. Peter Pan looks like Peter Pan.

Is this my calling? Not sure. Not worried about it right now. Just enjoying where I am. Thankful to be here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The last time I logged into this thing, all of my friends had blogged so that there were about twelve different posts to read and I was thinking to myself, "What happened? Has it really been that much time?" It had been. I get so easily thrown off by cumulative travel. I drop things completely, blogs, friends, cooking delicious foods, if it's not nailed down, it might get lost. Sorry, friends. I still love you more than life.

Have there always been this many Halloween parties to go to? Costume inspiration is at an all-time low. I think I'm going to be Little Red Riding Hood because I saw a red cloak at Target for $8. I hope it's still there... Halloween isn't the holiday I go gaga over. It's Thanksgiving and Christmas that I love. I am practically counting down the days till we can start putting up Christmas things in our apartment, writing a Christmas letter and cards for all our friends and family, going shopping for a tree and ornaments (what theme should we do? Of course, whatever we pick now will be outdated by the time our kids are old enough to have opinions about that sort of thing), finding the perfect presents, making buckeyes, drinking eggnog, and you can never forget the Amy Grant Christmas album. No Christmas is complete without it.

My class is going a lot better. We're working on costumes for the party next week, and they are loving it. We get to paint, and today we're going to start working on props. Mario hats and gloves, a Spongebob spatula, sunglasses, other things. Yesterday I started to win over one of the slightly difficult kids. I loved seeing the light dawn in his eyes that I actually cared about him. More good to come. I am glad I work here. Last week we got to carve pumpkins with our kids, and that was great. We were outside so they could be as loud as they wanted. I love doing things like that where it's just pure fun. Telling them about roller coasters at Disney during snack is also wonderful. They want to know if they are tall enough to go.

Time to go look for costume parts, for me, for them.

This morning I woke up one minute before my alarm went off with a feeling of deep satisfaction and contentment with my life. I'm not perfect. I can't accomplish everything, but I'm starting to begin with that expectation. It's okay if I don't. At the Bible study I go to, one of the ladies has this saying, "don't persecute yourself." It's a good one.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

They're Just Kids

My job=incredibly volatile. Good days bad days, days that I have no idea what to call them.

Today. Drive home. Time to decompress, but not really enough time. I'm too serious to shake off a bad day on a thirty minute drive.

I'm too strict. I'm not strict enough.

They walk all over us. They don't respect us. We don't draw the line enough. because there are too many things to keep track of: can I go to the bathroom, can I get a drink, can I get something out of my backpack. I don't want to sit down. I don't want to do my homework, or this project, or anything. I hate school. I hate everything. Slamming chairs, slamming fists into cabinets, biting other children. No, we aren't in the Dominican anymore, we're in the United States where children bite each other in the second and third grade to get what they want.

I'm not sure if this is the job for me. I'm not really teaching. I'm doing behavior management, and I'm not even doing it that well. Maybe because I'm not trained for any of this. I'm not sure if I want to have a job longterm where I have to tell people not to touch each other.

Add on all the expectations of the school that I don't know about. Things that no one told me. I'm supposed to be out of the room at a certain time? Do they even know I'm new? Why isn't there an information packet on this? I want to do my job, but someone has to tell me what that is, preferably before I mess up.

And for behavior, what am I supposed to do? What do I tell a kid to do when he gets angry instead of lashing out at whoever's closest? Count to ten? And I'm still disappointed in them when they don't listen to me, but I can't make them. I can't make them do what I want them to do. They have to choose it themselves. And that's kind of the frustration and the freedom of it. It's not up to me if they adopt the behaviors I suggest to them. It's up to them. It would greatly benefit me, and I'm going to keep telling them to listen the first time, keep their hands to themselves, raise their hand before they talk, tell the truth, use words, and I'm going to keep punishing them when they cross lines, but sometimes it feels so futile. I believe in them and I want them to change and develop these behaviors, but they have to want it too. I believe in them, so I am overly disappointed when they don't listen to me. I shouldn't let it affect me so much.

Maybe I'm not communicating my expectations. Maybe I'm not being consistent. There are just so many things to keep track of and someone always needs something. Also, I'm not that uptight. I want them to have a good time and enjoy what they're doing, but we have to put up the rules at the beginning because it's really doing us a favor longterm.

I discipline other people's children. I went to a Bible study today, and the children's teacher got up there and said how much love was in their classroom and how they were teaching Bible truths and singing hymns and the classroom was such a great place and they were giving love to all the kids who came. And I wondered about what would happen if I invited one of my kid's moms to the class. Would that child would be loved so well in the children's class? It's easy to love well-behaved children. Good little Christian children who have two parents with steady jobs. They want to spend time with their kids and don't swear at them. It's harder to love kids with bad attitudes who lash out at you when you ask them to do something. They get angry seemingly for no reason. Everything is life and death with some kids.

I don't feel in control, and I don't know how to get there. I am the adult, but I am at their mercy. This is not how it should be.

I don't have training for this. But if I'm not supposed to be here, then where am I supposed to be? If I'm not an elementary teacher, am I some other kind of teacher? Crisis of meaning in the world... time for dinner. Tomorrow will probably be better.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Small Little Just-Right World

I don't want a lot of influence, just a little. But I want it to count.

I don't want to live in a big city. with traffic. With tall buildings and places to get lost.

I don't care about California and the food carts. I will never know what the "next thing" is.

I like my things to be nice, but I don't want to have that many things.

I don't want to go to school to know God more, that will only make me tired of him.

I don't like twitter or excess autobiographical devices. I want my world to be real with colors and dirt and the pages of books.

I like the old people at book club with their old ways and old brains.

I can resist change.

Maybe I should move to a small town. I like my town. It is just right for me.

I like little routines like rowing, little worlds that no one else knows.

I still have that longing my friends have, but I don't know what it's for.

I want to be the fullness of myself, relaxed, able to receive others, ask how they are and really mean it because I'm not thinking about myself. I want to be full. and free. and new.

I want music to be a more regular part of my life. and worship.

I like my small world. It is hard enough to manage. To me it feels just right.

I will never be a great dresser, but I am great at other things.

I will never be perfect, but neither will anyone else.

I wish them well, I wish myself well.

What are my dreams? Will I reach them? Will they show themselves in time? Will they come upon me unexpectedly while I'm in the middle of living them?

Am I getting left behind? Is it wrong to have no ambition?

I used to be full of ambition, but it was for things that didn't mean anything like getting a Ph.D by a certain age.

I think this season is called "wait and see."

Everyone searches for contentment, but now that I seem vaguely content, I wonder if it is wrong to be so.


"Ambition, which is only a craving for honor and glory when you alone are to be honored before all and you alone are glorious forever" Confessions, Book II Ch 6.